Fellas, ah man from Pres sando send meh ah email and tell me he have a situation. So we link. He say Doc, I meet one hott chick eh, but, ah won’t lie Doc, the only thing is that de girl taller than me jed.

As he said it, he was fidgety, gazing at the floor and right there I knew what was going on. Like so many fellas in secondary school, Jarrod had contracted SMS.

Nope. Daz not ah text message disease. This was Short Man Syndrome, a condition which affects men from as early as Form 1, lasting well beyond 65.

Let’s expound on what Short Man Syndrome looks like.

Yuh in de mall looking to buy a lil food when bam, yuh turn round and nearly choke. Who yuh go see in front ah yuh but the former Queen herself, Wendy Fitzwilliam, standing in line behind you.

Now here’s the test:

How did you feel standing next to Wendy in that line?

Yuh tried to turn around but stopped quickly cuz yuh realize if yuh complete the turn you’d be breastfeeding. Not good dude.

The woman is literally, positively able to tell you what none of your trusted pardners have been able to tell you all these years.

Yes, fellas, Wendy Fitzwilliam, is suddenly able to educate you about matters, so important to a man, yet, all these years, not one of your teachers has shared this info with you.

Yes muh boy, yuh have a bald spot.

Dead center of yuh scalp.

That’s OK man. Go ahead and cry.

I always tell fellas two things: Firstly, real men cry. Secondly, real men with bald spots at 17 should cry for weeks and pray that God has mercy on dey scalp.

Now the point is lads, it took a taller woman to bring this bit of enlightenment to your life.

But if as you stood in that line you felt queasy. If you suddenly felt like you didn’t want that KFC anymore.

You planned to order ah leg and thigh snack pack but as you looked at Wendy’s long legs you muttered under your breath, “Nah jed, no more leg fuh me today nah.”

Son, regrettably, ah hah to tell yuh hoss, you have Short Man Syndrome.

Let me give you another scenario.

Boom-bang. Bishop’s disco rolls around and yuh liking yuhself. So yuh gorn by moms.

“Moms, handle yuh bess son some paper for Compre dance nah? Ah want to rock some new threads to put things in ah gear.”

Your mother barely understood a word you said but being a Christian woman, she gives you some money.

Day ah de dance, yuh pull up, looking bess and Sherise only eyeing yuh in de disco. Your pardners signal to you that they picking up ah SMW — ah Slow Moving Waistline — on dey radar.

But for some reason, yuh not interested.

Meanwhile, the DJ blasting Kes’ Wotless. (Check Sherise):

And ah feel like 
Ah just win ah million dollars (**Sherise appears to be doing something like a warm-up**)

Everybody watching meh, 
wearing a million colours (**Still warming-up like Rooney coming on in the 55th minute against Chelsea**)

You wanna talk. (**She flex left**)

talk bout this

Cuz when ah wine yuh go, (**She flex right**)

talk bout dat

When ah getting on you go, (**Her waist does something complex, like Algebra**)

talk bout dis

Call yuh friends and den, (**Hands on her head**)

Talk bout dat

Down south dey go, (**She leans back, waist still going**)

talk bout dis

Up town dey done, (**OMG what-the!!!**)

And all this time you, muh boy, pretending yuh didn’t see nothing. Swear is ah murder in Laventille. YOU din see nun. Sigh.

Like you drunk on Malta cuz daz all dey selling in Bishop’s dance. Sherise giving yuh more current that T&TEC buh you ain’t seeing dat.

Is only after de girl walk over to where you and yuh boys liming, that your boys realize what was going on.

Standing a solid 6ft in the air, Sherise was towering over you and you got scared lad.

That’s why you avoided Sherise.

You couldn’t dance with her cuz yuh woulda feel like yuh dancing with a lampost.

So, shamefully, you abstained like ah PNM MP.

Have you no shame lad?

You sir, have Short Man Syndrome. And any fella who lets 4 or 5 inches prevent him from having good clean fun with a hottie like Sherise is on the wrong path in life.

When ah man can’t man-up in ah disco and dance with ah tallest, this leads to a life of crime and abject poverty.

Aite fellas, here’s how to handle this scene. I wrote ah poem for you lads (Note: I was inspired to write this after I first went out with ah chick who was taller than me. Do NOT go around writing poems for guys. This is ill-advised).

Anyway, to deal with Short Man Syndrome, you first need to recite this poem 14 times a day before and after meals.

The Tallest
By The Love Doc
A real man might be shorter
But that doh really matter
If the chick is taller
I can still be her mister
The End

Nicely done muh boy.

Fellas, like I always say, you’re never too young to learn about the importance of having confidence. Confidence in yourself, regardless of your height, is what’s needed in situations like these.

Too many guys let the thing develop into full-fledged prejudice.

They almost NEVER look at a girl who is taller. How silly is that lad? Here you have a fantastic young lady who doesn’t lie to her parents, and you’re telling me, yuh go let dat pass because the nurse didn’t stretch you out enough and yuh come out short?

Nonsense man. The fact is taller chicks have as hard a time with guys as shorter men have with tall girls.

When ah chick is 6ft, she under enough pressure as it is muh boy. Dis is a short man society. So fellas, allyuh need to cut a chick some slack man.

And don’t get nasty. Many of you resort to childish name-calling and even though it does make meh laugh, c’mon guys, let’s be mature. OK, let’s be mature sometimes.

Yuh cyah be watching people daughter and calling them

“Pssst, lamppost, wuz de scene girl?”

Downright disrespectful.

You guys who have faithfully read this column know by now we doh treat chicks like that.

Man up lads, and take The Love Doc’s advice: If she’s tall, she can still fall (**wink wink**).

Just check out man like Tom Cruise. The guy does it expertly. You can too. It’s OK to approach taller girls just act like you’re accustomed to tall chicks and when it’s time to hit Movietowne, insist that she wears heels with dem jeans. She’ll be impressed.

Ah gone.

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