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So things don't seem to be working out for you, huh? And you're asking yourself: What am I doing wrong?
Duh! What you're doing wrong is everything. How many times do I have to tell you guys to forget the hype.
Sure we live in a world where bigger often means better but trust me, dan, I've been there and I'm telling you, with these secondary school girls, less is always more.
If you want their attention, you need to focus on the little things.
What do I mean by that, lads? Well, it simple, yuh know. See, here's what you guys think. You like a particular girl. She bess. You figure this is the chick you want to take to your grad and - Boom! - you start trying to impress her.
Moms, I need $500 to pay for lessons.
Big lie. Yuh take dat money and gorn West Mall to buy de girl new Converse sneakers.
Pops, I need a new laptop.
Pops: Damian, you and your lil brother can share his laptop.
Damian: Daddy, yuh mean de laptop Aunty Kamla give out? Daddy, yuh cyah be serious. My Me-too have more functionality than that.
Eventually you break Pa down but you take the money and what do you do, lad? You buy the girl a new BB from Digicel.
Yep, I see so many fellas doing the same thing. Trying to impress a girl with money. Or clothes. Or stuff.
Muh boy, that kinda thing will work - on the girls who need to see the money before they start liking you.
Is that really what you want? More importantly, muh boy, can you afford it?
Dollar pie in San Fernando Sec is ah whole $3.00. And $3.50 if you want pepper.
Doubles is $4.00 depending on who yuh go by. It have a doubles-man outside ah Bon Air Sec selling doubles for $4.00 only if yuh grades good.
And if yuh girlfriend is ah talker (yuh know de talkers nah - chicks who like to call yuh 11 o'clock every night to find out if yuh sleeping), phone card go finish rel fast muh boy.
Where would all that leave you, son? Let me tell you: Broke.
Fellas, there is no need to take this approach. As the most qualified man I know to talk about chicks, what works, what doesn't, I put it to you there is a better way.
I call them The Awwwwsome Tricks. Why? Duhhhh! Cuz if you can pull off any one of these, I guarantee, that girl will go "awwww" and she'll be your grad date for secondary school AND university. That's right, lads. Bound-to-must work. If you can just listen carefully and execute my tried-and-tested-chick-magnetizing formula.
OK, let's define what "the little things" are and what they are not. Cuz ah fraid some ah allyuh fellas. Some boys just doh take time to read ah instruction and overstand what The Love Doc sayin'.
The little things do NOT refer to things that are physically small. Duhhh!
Do not give a girl you like a dinner mint with sweet taaalk on the wrappers.
Yes, ah dinner mint is technically a "little thing" but that is not what I mean, son. If you give a girl ah dinner mint in this tough economic climate, I promise you she WILL hit you. Hard.
Nice. We're going somewhere.
Do NOT forget your chick's birthday and then plaster her wall on Facebook with:
"Babes, I forgot your birthday but you were in my thoughts and it's the thought that counts..."
Muh boy, you getting unfriended so fast eh.
Noooo sah! Chicks doh play with that birthday thing, pal. Wait nah! So you playin' yuh eh notice how dem girls does ALWAYS put dey birthday on dey Facebook profile?
Fellas, seriously, stop reading right now, and go and pull up any chick on your friend list and tell me if the birthday info missing.
Exactly. Yuh know why? Cuz, say it with me:
Dey like gift.
That's right lads. There is no such thing as "it's the thought that counts" when it comes to a girl's birthday, pal. I don't care how many girls you hear with that nonsense. Dey lie.
Yuh say, Doc, what about if I buy her a pack ah honey roasted for Valentine's Day?
(**Faints after hearing that question, manages to revive in time to finish writing column**)
Son, did you just say "honey roasted"?
Are you nuts?
Pal, that's not what I mean by it's the little things that count.
Honey roasted nuts given to any girl in a secondary school uniform in this country is a dangerous game to play with your life.
Suppose she pelt that pack ah nuts at you? Daz not the kinda "sweet eye" yuh want muh boy.
Yuh cud end up a blind Bobo-Shanti. Which means yuh cyah work on de highway cuz yuh go get bounce, son.
And dead.
All because you give yuh girl ah pack ah honey roasted nuts for Valentine's.
May the Good Lord in Heaven redeem your uncreative mind and give you more game, son.
OK fellas. Here's the lowdown.
It's true. It's always the little things that count.
Does she like a song and is she always singing it in your presence. Get her the CD. But wait, go and google the lyrics to this song, print it out and put in the box with the CD. She'll be blown away, dude. Trust me.
So you guys meet up by the Savannah to walk down town. Dem QRC and St. Francois peeps like to do that. Meet by the Queen's Park Savannah like dey selling coconut.
Anyway, dude, that's an excellent opportunity to offer to hold the girl's bag.
I'm serious lad! Say this 2.5 times. All together now:
I need to hold the JanSport while we wait on transport!
I need to hold the JanSport while we wait on transport!
I need to hold the JanSport while we wait on transport!
Excellent attitude fellas! Nice!
You guys are getting it. It's not about buying stuff and trying to impress the chick. It's about being sweet and thoughtful and paying attention to details. It's all in the details, lads.
OK, one more.
Don't forget to call her to wish her good luck the morning of her exam. How hard is that, lads?
"Hey, I know you stayed up late but I just wanted to say good luck today. I know you will mash up Econ."
WOW. Listen guys, I'm telling you, high failure rate or not, that girl is passing Econ. Yep. That one call and the whole Econ thing just came together in her head. Boom! She can tell us exactly why the whole world is facing economic slowdown.
I have faith in you guys. Try these strategies and trust me, dan, you will get more attention than a captain in de army.
Laterz.
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