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Admit it fella, yuh huttin. She did it to you over Christmas didn't she? SMH. Fellas, first issue of The Student Press for de year and I have to, have to, have to set the record straight on this one. Those girls are something else.
As if we didn't figure that out since the very first 'Guy Column' written over 2000 years ago by the psalmist David in the Bible.
Tell me allyuh fellas remember it?
The Lord is my Shepherd,
I saw what I want,
She maketh me to lie down in green pajamas
She leadeth me beside the still waters
Where she dumpeth me.
She restoreth her ex-boyfriend for his car's sake
Yea, though I spent all my money and walked through the valley of the shadow of death
I do fear evil
For her new man hateth me
With his rod and his staff he hit me...
Fellas, daz why the Love Doc does keep preaching the importance of prayer.
If you guys had just taken the time to read The Good Book you would have learned just how evil these chicks could be. And the most evil ones will choose Christmas to dump you.
One fella call me Ole Year's night. He say Doc whey yuh is. I say pal I am literally just about to walk into the church for the Ole Year's midnight service.
He say Doc pray for meh...
So I asked him what happened cuz de man sounding rel mash up eh...
He say Doc imagine that girl now dump me ten minutes ago and say she just cyah let the new year meet she with me...
De fella say how this girl ..ah think he say she going to Chaguanas North Sec...he say this girl say every new year she does change she boyfriend on Ole Year's night cuz is ah family tradition.
Like wow. That same utter lack of commitment we've been discussing all along fellas. Some of these chicks just not up for it.
Now guys, you're going to have to trust a man with more experience than you in this thing. You're going to have to follow my guidelines carefully cuz make no mistake about it...it have ah normal dump and it have ah Christmas dump.
Daz how some people does call Christmas ...Xmas... cuz rel men does become ex-boyfriend over the holidays nah jed.
Fellas, two bits of advice if you or someone you know was dumped over Christmas.
Step 1: Face up to what happened.
Don't be in denial.
She not sending no gift for you in February pal. If it wasn't under yuh tree Christmas morning, she didn't get you anything muh boy. Wake up out of your slumber lad. It's over dude. You need to get out of denial.
Say these lines 2 ½ times three times a day.
She broke up with me for real. If I don't think I was dumped, I can't heal.
She broke up with me for real. If I don't think I was dumped, I can't heal.
She broke up with me for real. If I don't think I was dumped, I can't heal.
Good job man.
It's important when a guy suffers this kind of trauma that he confronts it head-on. Not doing so is not going to make the pain go away any faster.
Denial is a killer of young men all over the world fellas.
Reminds me of this form six fella Nkosi from St. Anthony's.
Dat man get dump twice over the holidays and still couldn't accept it yuh know jed.
He was going out with a girl from Convent PoS named Michelle. Michelle dump him on Christmas Eve. Bam. Christmas morning yuh know de girl see ah gift under she tree from Nkosi.
Yuh know dat girl take de gift cuz it was a bess perfume, spray up sheself with it for ah party Ole Year's night, sleep whole New Year's Day, wake up and dump de man again New Year's evening.
And yuh know what's just terrible? Ah bounce up Nkosi in the mall last weekend and he was shopping for a Valentine's gift for that same chick. Fail.
Don't do it guys, let the truth work for you.
Aite, fellas, if you got dumped over the holidays, the second thing you absolutely need to do pal is go shopping.
Yep, to get over that dump you will need to buy some stuff.
I call it retail therapy lads. It's expensive yes. But it works.
You guys need to give yourself permission to feel better about yourselves and what better way to do it man than to go spend ah coin on yuhself.
Now, lemme make this clear. I am not talking about yuh went to de pharmacy to buy some more tissue cuz yuh done cry out about two box ah ready eh.
No muh boy. I saying go buy a bess outfit.
Guys we have to be wise this rounds. How you think dem girls does recover from ah breakup so fast? You dump them today, dem in de mall de same evening.
Dem girls not meeting in Rituals with dey girlfriends to cry over coffee yuh know pal. Dem in Jebelle and Tip Toe.
Fella, look at meh! You understand wha I telling you jed?
Allyuh together since primary school and you bounce yuh head and break up with dat chick in form 5. Pardner, two days after, she updating she status:
Elise Romany is...liking her new pair of red pumps and matching bag
Pal, she over you like ah Interchange.
And allyuh playing allyuh doh understand why I say go treat yuhself to something nice?
Works for me everytime lads.
One time me and my girl disagree on a material aspect of the relationship... I went and buy ah brand new car yes. With sunroof too.
Me eh playing dat pal.
Retail therapy muh boy. Buy yuh bess outfit and hit dat mall cuz iz dah outfit go help yuh heal lads.
Fellas, if you have been dumped over Christmas, all the men reading this column are supporting you bro. We have yuh back muh boy cuz we know it have no way a secondary school chick could justify treating you that way bro. No way.
Oh sure she'll blame you. Sure she'll say you were just too short and ah whole year past and yuh eh grow ah inch.
Sure she'll say yuh does dress like yuh father.
Sure she'll say you lost big time when you flirted with a girl on facebook who she set up to bait you and you fell for it.
But guys, ah don't care what she say. It just wrong to dump ah man over Christmas.
Doesn't the birth of Christ mean anything to these girls anymore?
You mean ah girl will dump ah man this Christmas because he buy she something cheap last Christmas?
Sadly guys, this is the world we live in.
But take heart lads, follow my two-step approach to your healing and I guarantee that by the time Baron release ah new soca parang for Christams 2011, you will be smiling your way through the mall with your new beauty at your side.
Ah gone.
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