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We've all been there lads! And if yuh never experience this as yet, muh boy, sit down, relax and read on-yuh go need this piece of advice.
Now, fellas, by now you should know that girls continue to read this column despite several warnings to desist. Ah mean, oh gosh man, dis is de GUY column and sometimes ah man does need a lil space to talk he mind jed.
Anyway, if allyuh girls insist, ah hope allyuh understand is no disrespect to the ladies but this column does kinda keep it real nah. So anyway.
I can just see it now. You've finally met her. OMG. De girl bess. You hurriedly exchange message after message on facebook with yuh pardners to tell them about your conquest.
My God, you yourself can't believe your luck. Sweet for dayz. Sweeter than your ex. YESS!!! You, lad, have hit the jackpot and all of Presentation College Chaguanas and Sando must know it (this time, yuh going Chaguanas eh but still).
You're beyond excited. Every time you think about the fact that in just a few days, Saturday to be exact, you are going to hang out at Price Plaza with Nariba Rawlins, you get goosebumps.
Come Christmas you will paint your room blue in honour of Nariba. And yuh know exactly what paint yuh buying - SISSONS.
Dat girl ha Good Looks That Lasts!
Saturday reach and yuh opening the gates at Price Plaza, yuh helping de girls in MovieTowne pop de corn fuss yuh reach early.
No trailers. Up to now yuh cyah tell me what dey preview cuz your eye on Nariba Rawlins. Daz de only preview yuh see and in it, yuh seeing good ting.
Yuh see a future beyond CSEC.
Yuh see both ah allyuh doing CAPE and winning open schols to UWI.
Yuh see Nariba opening her heart to you. Only you. Quite in de future yuh seeing a wedding. You will get married to this fine woman and you will be a real man to her. A husband worthy of her corn beef and rice on ah Saturday.
A real man of distinction whose neighbours will be jealous as he carries out the garbage which, having left it too long already, will be overrun with maggots, worms and other creepy crawlies.
But for Nariba Rawlins, you have sworn to protect her. No fly will come nigh her kitchen, or land on your corn beef and rice.
After de show, yuh take dat girl for some ice-cream and strike up a lil small talk and BOOM!!! (in fact, BO-DOOM, BOOM BOOM, DOOM!!! is more like it).
When yuh hear de girl talk, jus so, jus so, YUH DREAM DONE.
Bess ting-is bess-but not very bright.
Fellas, dis thing real common. Is not just Dominique from Pres this happen too. Nah. Real men keep writing me asking Love Doc, what to do if yuh tracking ah girl who not real bright jed?
Now, I cyah just answer these lads just like that. I mean, I need more info so I will ask probing questions to see if I understand.
And fellas, it's the same story everywhere.
One fella tell meh, Doc, my girl walking downtown to City Gate and ah TV6 reporter stop her and ask her:
Do you expect Minister of Justice Volney to apologise for statements made about the Chief Justice.
He say, Doc, dat girl go ask de reporter since when we have ah Chief Justice?
Before the reporter could respond, she want to know if de Chief Justice does live in the Hall ah Justice?
Lads, it's true. As much as I hate to admit it. As much as this society tries to act as though the only idiots in secondary schools are male, the fact, is we have girls amongst us whose elevators are not going all the way up.
Be careful fellas. This is not the end of it.
Left unchecked stupidity like dat can become cancerous.
Imagine yuh girl need chemotherapy on her brain because she dat stupid.
Imagine YOU need chemo because her stupidity contagious.
Well, sadly, daz how real fellas does end up tying up deyself.
What do I always say in this column?
If de body fit but de brain dead, don't lose yuh head.
If de body fit but de brain dead, don't lose yuh head.
Ah keep saying it, but you know how it goes now with some young people.
DEY DOH LISTEN TO GOOD ADVICE FROM EXPERTS LIKE ME.
Fellas, it's important to choose wisely when you decide to go out with a girl. Yuh doh jes pick up yuhself normal normal and go out with a girl without performing The Love Doc's guaranteed-to-work brain test.
It simple. Yuh meet ah bess ting and your job is to scope out de scene FIRST. Don't talk bout no date. If yuh want dates, check de Chinee shop on Charlotte Street.
Your job sir, is to hold dat girl in a series of conversations. The Good Lord has given us men Facebook. Oh gorm, use it nah jed.
You dey playing ah set ah Mafia Wars instead of conducting this very important litmus test on de girl yuh tracking.
Dat fella from Pres' is ah doh-doh head. He should ah start up ah chat with Nariba on facebook long time. Ask her a couple questions on politics and current events. Best case, you will find out if she reads the newspaper and ting. Worse case, you will find out she cyah read.
Now allyuh know The Love Doc ain't hating on people who might struggle with learning and ting, but the truth is, it ha some chicks who just love de look but hate de book.
See where ah coming from dey?
Dem girls like to look bess but dey ain't self reading a label on ah jersey.
C'mon lads. Noooooooooooooooo! Not the kind of investment you want to make. Men like us are readers. We does lime but we know how to hit de books and feed we brain.
Don't compromise fellas! It's not worth it. Let Miss Nariba go about her business cuz if yuh continue in dat relationship, yuh go get embarrassed.
Ah talking level embarrassment.
Reminds me of a fella named Amrit. Dat boy had ah bess ting, big group lime, de man girl talking bout she does cyah go beach cause she have "sensible skin".
Look. Take ah steeeeuuuuppppssss!
Better than that man Amrit.
The same excellence we often expect of our girls physically, well fellas, allyuh have to look for dat same excellence intellectually. Or is level kix man go ketch on yuh head lol.
On dat note, big up to this year's 320 scholarship winners who love book. I gone.
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