Scenario 1: How yuh go wear dat

De boy invite yuh to he bazaar. You are not just any girl. You are his girl. Do you ladies truly understand what dat means? It means yuh cyah show up wearing ah church dress and a pair ah Nike Shox.

Have you ever seen any hottie wearing ah long dress and sneakers? How yuh go do de man dat? Now de boy ha to try and play it off in front he pardners and make up all kinda ting to distract them from you.

And YOU are the distraction of all distractions. You are a weapon of mass distraction. And where yuh get dat handbag? When last yuh see ah bess girl in a bazaar with a big black handbag with the leather peeling away like it have ah rash. Yuh no what sad? Dis boy rel like yuh and he doh know how to tell yuh dat yuh embarrassing him with dah dress code.

Ladies, this ranks among the top things that fellas won't tell you to your face. Most of the times they just don't know how to tell you that how you look is critical to their very existence. Why? They don't want to hurt your feelings. Or get slapped.

Truth is guys are all shallow. There I said it. We're shallow. God made us that way. All we like is nice ting. We like to see our girl looking good all the time.

Personally, I like my girl's long straight hair. So when she puts it in curlers, to spite her, I break out with measles. I actually have the power to activate ah measles whenever I want to. And I do it if I see curlers. I tell my girl straight out that I am allergic to curlers.

Some girls does take it a step further — putting ah stocking on dey head talkin' bout dem setting dey hair. Fellas does feel to set a fire on dey girl head for dem ting, but again, we don't say anything because we've been trained to be gentlemen. We keep quiet and suffer in silence.

Oh and ladies, please don't surprise any guy you're serious about. How you cud decide one day out of the blue dat you putting powder on yuh chest? Ah man does be very very careful about this thing.

He deliberately chose a girl who he felt was not given to such excesses. He studied her over time. Went to several of her netball games with one singular objective: determine her perspiration levels so as to gauge her need for powder. Rule states: Too much sweat, she not ready yet!

When he is sure she doh sweat like Dwight Yorke after 90 minutes he moves in for the kill and asks her to be his girl. She accepts and things going nice. One day, three months down the road, she shows up wearing a new top, nice pair of jeans, white shoes — white chest —  to his birthday lime of all places, with all his boys present.

Well today, ima throwing down the gauntlet and telling it like it is on behalf of all the voiceless guys out there: How you look is important to us sweetie.

Scenario 2: I am jealous

This is another classic thing fellas won't say to their girls so I'm helping out with this one too. Simply put: I am jealous. I'm not talking about the-raging-mad-man jealous. I'm talking about I'm-a-baby-inside jealous.

I'm talking about the 10 million times a guy just wishes his girl would figure it out on her own so he won't have to say it. Ah mean, c'mon Sarah! You and yuh bess friend Kyra have to go out EVERY weekend so? Know what your boyfriend is saying to himself. "Steups, ah jealous, ah want some of that time."

Ladies, allyuh doh understand how many things ah man does be jealous for and keep quiet about it. I know ah man who jealous he girl baby sister. De chile born about 3 months now and every single day dat fella girlfren does call him to tell him something about de baby. He say one time she call and put de baby on de phone so he cud hear de chile first word. So he put he ears close to the phone and all he hear de chile saying is "goo-goo en-vy" "goo-goo, en-vy" Man get scared. He wondering how it was possible he get make out by a 3-month-old.

But it's true girls, we get jealous for the most silly things. And no self-respecting man going and tell he girl he is jealous of her baby sister. He know better than dat. But since he and so many guys won't tell you, I will: We get jealous for silly things.

We get jealous over your ipod, the one we bought you last Christmas. We get jealous of de fella who "like" your facebook status or comment on it and have you LOL-ing. We get jealous of your girlfriends who always "there for you". We get jealous of your 98-year-old grandmother who wants to see her grandchile same day we want to hit the movies.

We get jealous of Santa Claus. How unreasonable can that old man be? We walking in West Mall tryna get our Christmas groove on and he comes Ho-ho-ho-ing trying to give you a gift. The man is out of place.

And here's the mother of all jealousy-arousing things: Celebs. Do you always have to comment on how hot Will Smith is?

Because of you I now have a hate list. I hate Robert Pattison from Twilight, Tom Cruise, Zac Efron and any guy who's doing anything respectable with their lives. These guys have all conspired to steal my thunder. Where does Chris Brown and Bow-Wow get off making my girl like their bodies?

Remember when I told you the dog ate my Usher CD? I lied. I took my dad's hammer and beat dat CD until de data on it start to cry. Now if I told you that you would think I was violent and we'd be over. But hun, Usher does overdo ah scene with ah set ah good looks and dance and popular song.

Anyway girls, it's not that guys are unreasonable. It's just that secretly, they crave your attention.  In essence your guy is saying this: "Yes I'm a M-A-N but when my pardners not around my inner baby comes out and I need T-L-C. I'm scared to lose you. Hold me."

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