Apology

The Publisher wishes to apologize to Janelle Alicia David whose name appeared in the last issue of The Student Press in The Guy Column and about whom the author made certain comments in jest. As you may have guessed, this column uses humour extensively and in our best estimates, responsibly, and none of the comments about or attributed to Janelle were actually true. Any embarrassment to her is regretted.

Signs she's a Man-Hater

OK guys, this is for real. There are man-eating chicks out there. They don't bite. They swallow you whole like ah anaconda. How yuh think dah snake get he name? Legend has it ah chick named Ana swallow her boyfriend during ah argument de two ah dem was having.

So who is the man-hater? What does she look like or sound like? Glad you asked dude.

The man-hater chick is a meanie. She is out to prove one thing in life — no man is gonna tell her what to do let her alone control her.

She is the chick who you will take to West Mall to shop for her. Oh she's happy at the start, telling you how sweet you are and taking your school ring and putting it on that finger on her left hand to prove her commitment to you. Then, out of nowhere it will happen. Her face will start to contour muh boy. Fangs will appear and she will hit you ah cut-eye so severe, yuh will get nose bleed.

For the rest of the evening you won't know how it went from a lovely date at the mall with the girl of your dreams to stone cold silence. Pure hate, buh she ackin' normal.

Then, as you pass by the skylight in the mall you glance to your left and you notice she is no longer wearing your school ring.

"Um, babes, whey de ring?" you ask, thinking it to be a standard question in the circumstances.

"Steups, ring, wah ring? I throw dat in the fountain jes now."

"WHAT, muh schooooool ring?"

"Why yuh din study schooool ring when yuh was watchin' dah girl jes now upstairs?"

"Wha-WHAT?..."

Muh boy, you're wasting time dude. Do what every guy who takes his girl to West Mall does whenever it end up in ah fight: Remove your clothes, swallow yuh pride and dive in the fountain to retrieve your stuff. Doh be shame, real man take ah dip ah ready.

Why yuh tink de fountain always have water flowing in it muh boy? Cuz de amount ah man ha to dive in dey to get dey ting, mall management think it best to keep a sufficient water level so nobody get hurt.

Fellas, this is but one fleeting look into the man-hater.

Wanna see more of her? Pay attention lads to girls when they're liming in a group. Anytime you see girls in groups the talk is bound to be about guys. Dem go start talking about CAPE IAs and end up talking about fellas.

Then some girl is bound to bring up talk about some "situation" she's dealing with. Now pay close attention guys. Say you limin' with this group and you have eyes for a girl among them, this is the time to shut up and listen carefully. Usually this is when the man-hater shows her true colours. Out of nowhere you will suddenly hear:

"IF DAH WUZ ME..."

Fellas, never date ah chick who EVER, EVER, EVER, use this line. Why? Because you will regret it, especially when you find out what it translates to. Aite, aite, since allyuh does faithfully read The Student Press lemme break it down for you lads:

GLOBALLY, THE TRUE MEANING OF "IF DAH WUZ ME" IS:

In Africa it means: "My fedder raised me to kill lion with my bare hands, I will do the same to you if you ever reach late again. It is how we do business in my tribe."

In India it means: "Bhai, you waaaaaaant me to drown you in the Ganges bhai? Never let me catch you lookin' at Aishwarya Rai' picture again bhai. You is my one."

In Spain it means: "Por que? Por que you want me to break your legs no? Cut you up into little bits like pork no? Por que?"

In America it means: "America does not negotiate with terrorists. We will find you where you are and together with our allies we will win this war on terrorism and fellas who we suspect of having weapons of mass destruction."

And in Trini it cud only mean one thing: "RUN FOR YUH LIFE, DAH GIRL SERIOUS JED."

Sometimes, if it's some chick you care about it may help to direct her to get some help because many of these man-haters have issues beyond the obvious. Might be an issue with her father or something. Either way I said direct her to get some help. You is not to play Dr. Phil.

Merry Christmas fellas and all the best (chicks) for the New Year.

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