You can't handle the truth!

In the 1992 movie A Few Good Men, Tom Cruise exclaims in the courtroom scene where he's questioning Jack Nicholson, "I want the truth!" to which Nicholson responds emphatically, "You can't handle the truth!"

When will you guys ever learn you don't need to know everything. Especially when they deceive us fellas.
So one day you both meet for "The Talk". You're thinking you want to have it out with her cuz you're angry over what she did with that other fella. She's thinking she just wants you back.

During "The Talk" she's crying all over the place. Snat on her clothes. Snat on your clothes. It's a mess. You notice the sobs are getting louder and the snat is getting wetter and stickier. Know what that is right? Well, it's snat. But it's also guilt. Her conscience is beating her over the head. Then she say's "J, ah have something to tell yuh."

Yuh still dey? Dude that line is the ultimate tsunami warning. Something bad is about to go down.
With tears streaking down her cheeks she hits you:

"Um, Ryan and I was in something about two weeks ago and ah doh want to lie to yuh."

Gulp. Let me guess, you swallowed your tongue. No it wasn't your tongue. It was your phone. No, not yuh phone, um, yuh new iPod?
You are completely devastated but yuh cyah let it out cuz something is seriously stuck in your throat. Oh gorm, Ryan is a fella you actually know.

Fella, dat thing you feel in your throat is called a horn. In just under two hours, you will begin to feel a pain in your left testicle. Another 2 hours, it will move to your right elbow and then it will move to your right testicle and play a round of volleyball with your left testicle.

You will also feel a burning sensation on the soles of your feet as though you've just run on a hot newly-paved highway. This is a symptom called yuh-shoulda-run-when-yuh-had-a-chance. Now you're feet are paying you back for not getting out of harm's way when you could have.
These symptoms will last for months. You will find yourself crying for any and all slow music including the national anthem.

Forged from the love...And yuh will cry because yuh remembering the love yuh had for this chick.

In the fires of...And yuh will cry over the other girl who was kinda nerdy but yuh tell she fire bun. Now, look what this hottt ting do yuh.

We so-lem-ly declare...Rel pressure, now yuh remembering the fella who introduce you to her was yuh chinee pardner Sa Lum Lee from 5L. Pressure.

Here every creed and race...Hmm, more cry. De man she horn yuh with is a cute dougla. Your hair picky and hard like nail.

I don't know about you guys but in situations like this I don't want the whole truth. You on the other hand. Oh, you feel you must haul her before your own little makeshift court and constrain her to tell you EVERYTHING.

You and so many lads like you want to know how it all went down. Do you realize what you're really asking? You're asking for details of her ultimate betrayal of YOU. You want to know about her deception of YOU. You want to hear every sordid lie she told YOU. You can't help yourself. You want to hear the truth.

Muh boy. Trust ah man with a vast amount of experience. Doh do that to yuhself. Sometimes you don't need no truth. Why? Because the truth will make you pee.

Yeah yeah, ah know you thought it would make you free but trust me dan, the truth will make you pee. Say dat to yuhself 5 times before and after every meal and maybe, just maybe, the good Lord will bestow His grace on you lad.

Just think about Ryan all up on yuh girl nah dan. All up on she like pantyhose star. Think about the level disrespect this girl has repaid your love and kindness with and you're actually in the mood, you say, to hear exactly how it went down?

"Well, ah went cinema and Ryan and he pardners was dey and it was just me and Crystal and Monifa. So all ah we decide we would go watch the movie together and Crystal and Monifa was on stupidness and they kinda put Ryan to sit next to me and...."

Fella, why do you want to hear the putrid details of deception from a girl who betrays you?

Listen, as far as I'm concerned she should not be called upon to explain anything. She should be summarily dumped. No details.

"But Doc, ah disagree. Ah need to know so ah cud have closure."

Sigh. No. What yuh really saying is Doc, dat hut meh jed. Dat not fair jed. Dat. Sniff. Rel. Sniff. Sniff. Huttin' jed. Sniff.

Fella, I feel your pain. You already got closure. She got closure to Ryan than she should have been. Remember? The gory details won't help you at all. They will form an imprint on your mind. You will be minding your own business and you will begin to imagine Ryan and her liplocked. In your mind. All the time. ALL THE TIME.

That's why I say to fellas - don't have those talks. That's not a conversation, it's a porn-versation. Cuz those details will lodge in your mind like porn. Very, very difficult to erase thereafter lads. I warn you.

Betrayal of that sort should be met with a text message, some 3 weeks after you've figured out the deception and given yourself some time to heal, which reads:

"Um, yuh have de wrong number, please stop sending those messages, my new girlfriend doesn't like them."

Then start looking for a decent girl fuh real.

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