Drum roll please. Yes, it's finally here. Your very own girls' column but of course we couldn't call it that so I hope you ladies dig the name. Don't Ask! Just consider me your highly-trained CIA operative inside the world of guys. My job is to give you solid info and help you understand what makes us tick and what you need to do to win. Thank you for allowing me into your space. Now buckle up.

So ah girl call meh and tell me de first column must be bout she "situation".

—How she cyah understand why this dude she's with cyah keep he head straight.

—How she does be walking in de mall wit de fella and talking to him.

Asking him important question like: "Wheyyyzz you see dah monkey in de cream-coloured suit smoking ah cigarette and arguing with the security guard just now?" And when she check de boy not answering.

She bound to turn around to find him gaping at some chick. Again.

—How he always gaping. If not in de mall, is in lessons. If not in lessons, is walking to de taxi stand by Library Corner in Sando.

—How one time two ah dem chatting on Facebook and she ketch him gaping at ah girl quite on MSN.

Hear nah this is serious stuff. Ah next girl tell meh she going to church with she sweetheart and talking to him. She say he gapin at other chicks so long she end up leavin ah voice mail cuz he eh taking her on.

Ladies, straight out of my personal archives, you are about to get your first lesson in Fellachology. Why do fellas have to look, you ask? What's up with the gapin-hatin? Gapin at her, hatin on you. Lesson number one: If yuh with a guy who's gapin at other girls in your presence he is most certainly doing it behind yuh back and the worst part? It's not likely to stop until the devil starts going to church.

Girls, if that's your guy or a guy yuh swear yuh like, I am putting it to you that de fella is long-sighted. In oda words, de boy eye long.

This thing really start when God gave Apple de idea for de iPod, then iTunes and then the iPhone. Darn company didn't realize what they were doing when dey ship de ting to T&T. Now every fella in T&T cyah control he eye.

One fella went on a movie date with Renee Bradshaw from Holy Faith. Dat wicked boy iKyra, he iAnoushka, he iSuzette from Convent Sando before they even reach Cinemas 8.

Want some truth to set you straight? Fellas do it simply because they can. Because you chicks let us do that to you. Sadly, you chicks bring it on yourselves most of the time because it seems you all have the same problem.

Seems to me almost every secondary school girl in this country goes out with their parents at some point and buys all de furniture for de house by Courts. Big mistake.

Yes, ah know yuh wondering what de france The Love Doc doing talking bout furniture when chicks ha rel problems.

Ladies, it obvious. If allyuh buying from Courts it means allyuh eh have no Standards. And daz de problem right dey. No standards. Not enough of you willing or able to set dem fellas straight from de get-go.

Search your hearts ladies. Why do you let us get away with it?

If you're honest you will have to admit there is some insecurity there. Afraid to lose me huh?

You say, "nah Doc, I come up in good home with two good parents and a parrot loving me strong strong PokPawwk," (daz de parrot  after he eat some chicken). You say "I come up ah good and confident girl chile Doc, me eh have no insecurity."

Right. I am TELLING you there is something there.

That is always the reason why girls date guys who are busy checking out every bess ting in de place and even though they are angry about it, they do nothing ultimately. You may talk. But that's it.

Come tomorrow I'm still your boyfriend because I look good and when I'm not disrespecting you I can make you laugh. Shame. But hey, I doh mind.

If perchance yuh make out yuh boyfriend and argument start it typically goes something like this:

"Steups. DAMIAN, why yuh looking at dat girl?"

"Um, wha, what yuh talking about? What girl?"

"Dat girl in de white pants tight, yuh was just looking at she"

"No Chantal, yuh trippin ah wah? I wasn't looking at no girl. Ah taut ah see meh grandmother just now."

"Yuh lie, yuh grandmother doh wear dem kina white pants."

"Oh lawd, yuh trippin out jed, my grandmother have plenty ah dem pants girl. She buy dem since de song come out and she always singing dat song:"

De white pants tight yeah yeah. Meh hair tun white yeah yeah

Always some silly excuse. But you know what happens at this point? You girls will laugh at our humour and forget the disrespect. That's what guys do so well, they play off disrespect as humour. Don't fall for it girls.

It all comes down to this: any guy who's gapin at other chicks NOT on you. Maybe you have 10% of his attention but no more. Is it worth it? Boy loves you, likes her; walking with you, looking at her; says you're who he needs, but he's looking at who he really wants. Is it worth the stress? I think not.

You girls are going to have to dump a rotten guy early. If you don't do it, he's gonna dump you. Eventually. Most likely on a Tuesday. Take it from a guy. Any boyfriend who's looking-is looking to cheat.

Take my advice and put it where it's safe, where you'll remember it, where-
Look jes put it in yuh handbag cuz to me that where you chicks put stuff you really care about anyways. Laterz.

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